I Called Her Back
One day, I called my body back.
I asked her to just exist for me again. I released her from the impossible responsibility of meeting everyone else’s expectations. I asked her to instead align with my intentions. I stopped asking her to meet an outside standard and instead invited her to express her needs.
I told her she no longer needed to feel the worry of not looking pretty or pleasing to strangers. I announced that the shame of all the times she didn’t look perfect was no longer something she needed to hold inside her.
Some days she asked for comfort and other days she asked for style. Some days she wanted rest and others she wanted adventure. I obliged her each time.
It didn’t take long for me to feel her healing.
I felt centered inside her again. For years I felt like I floated just outside of her, trying to make sure she was appearing and behaving pleasing to others. Sit up straight, don’t talk too loud, is my makeup covering my flaws ok? Is my hair doing what I told it to? Am I making a face that looks pleasing to others? So much energy focused on that instead of just.....being.
I ate what she wanted. We enjoyed food more. I trusted her to tell me when to eat and when to stop, what to eat and what to not. I did it her way. I gave to her instead of restricting. I stopped asking her to be small and instead asked her to be whole.
I moved when she wanted and rested when she asked. She didn’t want to work out but she did want to dance, play and explore. We swam in the ocean and road our bike downhill in to the breeze. We explored the woods and the trails and climbed the hills and ran through the fields.
We looked at the Earth instead of looking for the approval of others. We wondered about the stars instead of wondering if we were meeting the expectations of others. We thought about the Universe instead of thinking about all the ways we could have fit in better. We felt how we belonged to the Earth instead of feeling the need to fit in with other people.
Our energy levels sky rocketed. Our happiness expanded. The world looked brighter and more magical. Food tasted better. The wind felt better on my skin. My mind had space for wandering. And I started to experience a feeling I had forgot about....awe. I remembered all these things from childhood but forgot just how wonderful they were.
I no longer sought favorable gaze from anyone else, but I still got it. The people who loved me before still loved me the same. The people who didn’t still didn’t.
There was no parade or award given for this shift. Nobody really noticed. There were comments about how I seemed more radiant and lighter but no one could really put a finger on why. I felt no need to explain it.
There was no fancy program I followed and no guidelines to stay within. I have nothing to sell, I’m just free. There’s no way to do it right or wrong. You don’t have to become anything you just return to yourself.
My body and I now speak the language of intuition instead of ego. I didn’t learn to accept my body for who she was, I just stopped believing there was anything to reject about her. If people try to bring their disapproval to her I simply decline the responsibility to burden myself with their perception.
In the mirror I began to see her strength and uniqueness instead of her flaws and perceived short comings. I stopped wishing for her to be what I was told she should be to make other people happy and instead witnessed the ways she brought joy to me.
I called her back and instead of living by the rules of a strange truce, we just existed as we originally did, releasing the terms of societal conditioning. My body became my body again. It no longer belonged to everyone who might see her and instead provided for just me.
I called her back and she brought with her childlike wonder, fun, presence, wild and awe.
I simply just called her back.
By Heather Wood